Thursday, May 31, 2012

Sweet Baby 'E'

This morning I had an ultrasound. I was a little nervous because we knew there would be a chance that the baby would be big enough, and in the right position, to see any accumulating fluid. Well, as it turns out, baby 'e' was big enough....

From what they can tell at this point, it appears that our baby is fluid free.

Fluid free. 

I cannot tell you what it felt like to see a baby at this point in the pregnancy, and not see pockets of fluid everywhere. It was the most bittersweet moment I have experienced on this journey so far...

I will go back in another two weeks because right now the baby is too small to measure the space in its neck, but they can at least tell there is definitely not a hygroma, which Elias had at 12 weeks gestation.

I expressed some nervousness to our ultrasound tech before she began, and she said "we're gonna have good news this morning."

We're all rooting for you, sweet baby!  

All of us....
 
"Look at me!"

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Dinner Horrors

Yesterday I was reading my friend Ashley's blog, and literally laughed out loud. Ashley's avoidance of cooking isn't something I personally relate to, but I know SO many women who struggle in this area.

What's for dinner? The dreaded question.

I feel I need to preface this post by saying that I am still learning. My husband still gets off work, walks to the kitchen, then turns to me with a sad eyes. You're gonna have to boil the water yourself, bud. Tonights an oatmeal night. But I wanted to share some things that have really helped me in this world of domesticity. It doesn't have to be this dreaded thing. In fact, it can really become a way to give back to your family in a way that nourishes them, and creates a specific time of the day where you can all sit down and communicate about your day.

For many women, I would venture to say that when they get married or have a family, they feel this pressure to yank out their inner Betty, but for some, this can be anything but natural. Maybe they didn't grow up in a family where their mom cooked, so there wasn't much of a model. Maybe their mom worked and had to resort to Hamburger Helper or takeout. Maybe for others, they just weren't interested in observing their moms in order to learn.

Whatever the reason, it's not an overly new phenomena to find a newly married woman standing in front of the fridge on Wednesday evening, terror stricken, because she needs to come up with something for her family to eat.

I will begin by saying that I was blessed that my mom was home full time and she really reveled in providing meals for us each evening. I had the opportunity to see first hand how much time it took to prepare a meal. And that prep doesn't always start the day of a meal. And it certainly isn't going to happen after everyone is whining over hunger. HA

I have adopted some of my mom's tricks for making dinner so a lot easier, and I've added some 21st century tricks of my own. Here they are:

1. Plan meals before you grocery shop. This may sound completely crazy to some, but here's the deal: when you go to the grocery store, list and menu in head, you will walk out the door with everything you need for meals within that grocery period. Period. Well, unless you forget garlic salt...then you may need to revisit the store.

I go to the grocery store every two weeks, so I plan meals two weeks out. Since I'm working right now, the crock pot is my friend....best friend, in fact. I use it at least once a week.

2. Keep it simple. If you're not a novice cook, keep that in mind when picking out recipes. Don't pick something that will cause you to stress out because as Ashley said in her post, "How do you boil the peas, drain the pasta, fry the chicken, etc. all at the same time?"

How to keep it simple: If multi-tasking, cooking is an issue, than remember that when you choose meals for your grocery period. Google "skillet meals" or crockpot meals...those seem to be pretty easy. At first, you may have the best luck with a dinner that is what I call a "one pot meal." One pot meals often do not need sides! :)Another tip may be sticking with a five ingredient recipe. Easy.

3. Organize recipes in a way that's easy to find. For instance, I post recipes on Pinterest. It's easy peasy! I used to print them off when I would cook, but now I have a smart phone, so I just pull up the recipe, if I'm using one, and go for it! Pinterest has made meal planning so much easier for me. I love that I have visual aids, and that they're all right there. Another thing about my food board on Pinterest, is that I don't post recipes unless they fit my meal planning, bill. They must be affordable, not time consuming, and husband-friendly. ;) You're not going to find some wacky recipe for dinosaur shaped chicken on my board... :)

4. Create a recipe repertoire. For those of you who are just starting out, instead of trying a new recipe every time you cook, how about picking 4-5 recipes and mastering those first. Once you feel comfortable with them and don't feel stressed while cooking, then try something new. Remember you can always create variations. For instance, do you love that vegetable lasagna recipe? Next time add some ground beef to it. This will really help your confidence in the kitchen. Sometimes it takes making a recipe a few times before it's exactly right. Practice makes better. :)

I honestly cannot wait until I'm home full time because I love being able to take my time and spread out when I'm cooking. Right now I cook on the weekends and pray it's enough so I don't have to cook mid-week! HA :) But if I do, I always put something in the crockpot.

Here are two easy recipes that fall under the "one pot meals" and "crock pot meals" categories.

The great thing about cooking a whole chicken, is that you can cook it with potatoes, carrots, etc. and you have a whole meal. Then the next day you can take the leftover chicken off the bone and use it in another recipe or even make chicken salad out of it. And don't forget to save and freeze the broth...you will find *free* chicken stock to be an awesome save because so many recipes call for broth.




Here is another recipe we love. You can use that leftover chicken for this one! Or make it easy and buy a rotisserie, which I occasionally do. We love mexican food, so this is a great spin off that santa fe flavor.




I hope this is helpful! Of course, this is only one way of going about meal planning. Just take your time, and remember it doesn't have to taste perfect!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

10 Weeks!

I cannot believe we have already hit 10 weeks! Actually, yesterday we hit ten weeks. I feel very thankful that this first trimester is flying by. I remember with Elias, I was SOOO anxious to get out of the first trimester, so it seemed to draaaag. We were also waiting to tell people, so that probably made me more anxious to get to 12 weeks.

I want to do an update on my blog each week. This is something I didn't do with Elias, and although it's understandable why I didn't, I still wish I had those little updates. I can already tell you, this pregnancy is super different, and I'm even showing quite a bit more than I did with Elias at this point! I LOVE that.
 
Pregnancy Highlights:
 
How Far Along: 10 Weeks (and 1 day)
Size of baby: Baby E is the size of a brazil nut
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Not sure. Will know this Thursday at the doctor.
Maternity Clothes: I wore a maternity t-shirt on Sunday :) (Eager beaver, I know.)
Gender: We're SO excited to find out around 16 weeks.
Movement: Not yet
Sleep:  Sleeping is great....can I do it now?
What I miss: not worrying! HA
Cravings: PEACHES, strawberries, and salt and vinegar chips.
Symptons: The last few days my morning sickness has lessened! And I feel my energy picking back up a bit. Trying to rest in that, and not allow my mind to worry because of fewer symptoms.
Best Moment this week: Buying maternity shirts!!! Woohoo!
 
So here's my oversized, baby bump! My husband took this picture, and failed to tell me I basically covered it up with my hands! lol Maybe it isn't that big after all ;)
 

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day! We were SO sad to go back to work today :(
 

Friday, May 25, 2012

A Long Road

I sat in the same nurse's office, loaded down with pregnancy information and pamphlets, some 6 months ago. Today I sat and fidgeted with my dress, coughing every two seconds as the nurses flipped through my chart and commented about how annoying colds are while you're pregnant. She asked if I had morning sickness, and laughed when I said "yes, I've tried it" to every possible remedy she could think of.

"I guess you're just one of those!" She said smiling.

A few minutes later she stopped, flipped a page of my chart backwards, and then to the front again and sighed. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know" she muttered...

I didn't expect her to remember me. She sees patients every day and goes over the same routine: no lunch meat, take your vitamins, call us if you start spotting, here's the schedule for paying for this precious child you're carrying; and so on. I looked exactly the same as anyone else who comes in there for that meeting. But I don't always feel the same.

I couldn't see my doctor today because as her nurse told me "a mom is pushing at the hospital." I cannot tell you how badly I wish I were in that mother's hospital gown right now. The ability to skip over the next 30 weeks seems like a super power I would pay good money for.

I chose to have the baby's heartbeat checked by another doctor. He walked in, shook my hand and said he didn't think he'd ever met me before. I corrected him and said that actually we had met, "You discharged me in the hospital a few months ago." He looked confused and asked what for. Luckily, when I told him I had delivered my 19 week old son, he didn't act awkward, but instead was very apologetic.

Sometimes I walk through those halls and feel like such an outsider. I had this baby and loved him so much, but knew I would never get to keep him. As all the other moms passed me in the halls, glowing and excited, I just felt awkward. And it hurt. It still hurts.

I'm 9 weeks and 4 days today, so we took a shot and tried the doppler for the first time. It took awhile, but the doctor finally found the baby's heartbeat, strongly beating at 178 bpm. I'm not sure why, but I just started crying. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder, understanding the moment.

If I'm going to be honest here, I would say that deep down I really feel like this baby is going to be okay. I would say that I feel like this Christmas is going to be just so special. But I have moments, like today, where I still feel so bruised. There are those moments when it's hard to believe this pregnancy could have a different outcome than their brother's. It's hard to believe I could be part of this elite club without it being ripped away so harshly.

One thing I've been struggling with recently is that although I believe God will remain the same no matter our outcome, I also realize that doesn't change our outcome. In other words, my God may be the same, but that won't keep another baby from dying. Truthfully, I'm terrified of what it would do to me. To clarify, this is my head talking for my battered heart. Trying to translate all of these emotions and fears; that's what my head has come up with.

I'm so thankful that my heart can know and believe the real truth, which is that the God who created this baby, has each of their days already numbered. They are fearfully and wonderfully made. God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of love and a sound mind. What little bit of suffering I endure on earth will bring eternal reward.

The entire theme of this blog is focused on keeping our eyes on eternity; on things we can't see. I want to always be reminded that our home isn't here, and if this pregnancy does nothing but bend my heart to that truth, then so be it.

I realize if this baby makes it to 40 weeks, then I have a long road of fear, and simply wanting a baby to hold on this earth, ahead of me. There are moments when I can literally smell and feel that sweet baby I long to rock one day. It feels unbearable at times. I'm struggling with savoring and really enjoying each moment because I just want to sprint to the finish line.

As you can imagine, long distance training has never been my strong suit ;)

Overall I have been pleasantly surprised that I feel as calm as I have felt. I only have God to be thankful to for that. As a personality tendency, I am pretty much a control freak -- so worrying is all one can do in this type of situation! The fact that I haven't been very worried, is such a blessing. Other things to be thankful for are that at this point, I have had no issues at all that would cause worry. For instance, I spotted twice early on with Elias.

As the next few weeks progress, the baby will be growing bigger -- which we want! With this growth, we'll be able to get some good profile shots soon...it was around 12 weeks that we saw the beginning issues with Elias. I expect that some anxiety will rise as we near those milestones. Number one prayer request would be that this booger does not have the issues his or her brother had, and also for my anxiety levels.

It's easy to think that if we expect the worst, then maybe the news won't be as hard. But that is simply not true. So my goal is to stay positive and continue trusting that the Lord has His hand on this baby regardless. He has given us permission to hope...so that's what I'm doing.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Dog

My dog. Bless her heart. She is one of the sweetest dogs I have ever known, and I'm not just saying that. From the moment we met her, she went nuts licking, jumping, and just begging for us to love her. I'll never forget that day. My sister was with us and we'd seen several other (calmer) puppies. All the other puppies barely made eye contact, and laid helplessly while we looked them over. Not Rory. We could hardly hold her, she was so out of control, excited. My sister, Carrie said "you HAVE to get her. She has so much personality!"

So we did. I was actually kind of nervous about her "spirit" and wondered if she'd be too hyper, but we got her anyway. We loaded up our car with Rory, her new crate, bed, various toys, food, and multiple bows. :) I mean, if you're going to buy a froo froo, white dog, why wouldn't you buy bows too? Although she doesn't really chew things up, she has managed to ruin countless bows....


 That day started quite an adventure for us. She is nothing short of a social butterfly. She LOVES people. Ruben says that during the day when I'm away, she literally just drags her head, completely depressed that she's been left. When I finally get home each evening it takes a good hour to calm her down.

Rory also does what her breed calls "blitzing". I have never gotten good footage of this because every time I get the camera out she thinks it's food or something and immediately stops what she's doing to attack me. I rarely get good photos or videos of her. But, I encourage you to go on youtube and look up blitzing. It's hilarious, and it happens at least 5-6 times a day in our living room.

This is how much she loves me. (Please ignore my goofy self :))

Another little treat with Rory is her bladder and bowel control. Yes, I just went there. Something I had read, but figured I would cure, was her breed's issue with potty training. They are highly intelligent dogs. In fact, we took Rory to puppy training after we got her and the only way she would "sit" was if she was on a soft surface. High maintanence? We literally had to place a pillow on the floor or put her on the bed in order to get her to sit. Now, she just sniffs our hands, and if she smells a treat, she'll sit, if not, she walks away. I'm NOT joking.

Clearly, she's a smart animal, but the whole peeing and pooping in the yard is a little inconvenient for her. One of our earlier experiences with this issue, was one evening when we were driving home in seperate cars and Rory rode in Ruben's car. About halfway home, she decided she needed to use the restroom and it didn't appear that Ruben was pulling over for her, so she just did her business in his car. Rory is Ruben's first experience with indoor dogs. It's taken some serious adjustment for him. I'm honestly a little nervous about how he will react to his child's uncontrollable bowels... :)

Since that night she has randomly used the potty in the house. Again, she prefers soft places -- carpet, rugs, BEDS.

This is our first comforter set that she ruined (she made a doody on it.) Luckily, I didn't really like it anyway :)

I will never understand why this dog chooses to use the bathroom in the house, other than that nagging feeling that she just wants to. Last night I went to bed fairly early after a long day of being pregnant and dealing with allergies. At some point I shifted and felt that my leg was wet. I immediately turned on the light and noticed a huge wet spot on the bed. And Rory is nowhere to be found.

She knows! Not only did she pee on the bed, but she peed on ME!

So today I lugged our huge comforter out of the house to find an industrial sized washer to wash her pee stain out of it.

uuggghhh. To be perfectly honest, this isn't often, but it's enough to think the dog has some serious rebellion in her heart. :)

Even with all the mess, HA, no pun intended, I wouldn't give her up. She is so loving, and I know she will be great with kids!

By the way, my sister is now eating her words because everytime we go to her house, Rory waits until we're not looking, runs upstairs to her room and poops under her bed!

I could not lie about such things....

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

New Digs!

Here is the new look and design I have been talking about! I get so tired of the same thing, so I was definitely ready for something new. What do you think? Eventually I will change the URL, but for a while I'm going to keep it the same so it's less confusing. At some point you will probably still be able to type 'poppins life' but it will redirect you to a different site, for instance, www.intheclouds.com or something like that :)

This weekend was such a bummer. We were supposed to go out of town this weekend for our anniversary, which was on Monday, and life just happened instead. I have been pretty sick with this pregnancy, and have really marveled at how different things are in comparison to Elias. Although I had the typical pregnancy symptoms, they weren't as severe, and I never once caught any type of illness the whole pregnancy. Even in the middle of winter. I knew I had been lucky with Elias, as far as my health went, so I was prepared for a harder pregnancy this go around.

Friday morning I woke up with a horrible cold. You know how miserable a good cold can be normally. Well add nausea, the inability to keep your coffee down, and exhaustion. :) Life has been interesting. I'm pretty sure I said the exact words "I want my mommy" at some point.

Friday morning we took Rory for her monthly "hair appointment" and I was SO glad it fell on my sick day. She is only a year old and if you know anything about Bichons, you know they have tons of energy. She has been known to jump on my head without remorse. Her being awaygave me the opportunity to sleep for THREE glorious hours.

So I need some nausea advice, ladies. Friday was such a hard day on me, as far as nausea goes, so I gave my doctor a call. She prescribed Zofran. It was awesome for about an hour, and then it gave me the worst headache for at least 24 hours. Evidently that is a side effect. My doctor mentioned several other prescription options, and for whatever reason I chose this one.

Have any of you had good luck with any other nausea medications??

Thursday, May 17, 2012

New Things

The last few months I've been thinking about changing the design and name of my blog. I just didn't feel like the name applied anymore, and with that, a new design should definitely happen!

So to give y'all a heads up: if you come to my blog in the next little bit, and it looks totally different. Don't panic. :) It's still me. I'm hoping it will be easier to navigate, and that you'll get a better feel for the direction I'm wanting to take my blog...really my whole life.

As you all know, the last 8 months of my life have been nothing short of chaotic, shocking, and completely life-changing. It has really given me a passion for writing and sharing my heart in a way that expresses vulnerability.

Something my eyes have been openned to, is that we have one life. One chance to be real. One chance to be who God designed us to be. And I don't want to sit back, close my mouth, and allow fear to keep me from sharing the things God has placed on my heart.

Friends, you're going to see it all. The good, and the ugly. And I'm finally at a place where I'm okay with that. I'm finally at a place where I don't feel the need to cover the bad or hard areas simply because it's uncomfortable. And I hope this blog expresses that. I hope I've expressed that.

The lovely Fran over at Small Bird Studios is working on my new design now, and I'm SO excited. We've been throwing around ideas for awhile now, and I'm starting to see some hints of the end result. Lord knows I have to hire some, because I can barely navigate the internet on my own, much less design graphics. Fran is also one of the leading ladies who developed the Still Standing Magazine for infant/child loss and infertility. If you haven't checked that out yet, you need to.

So keep your eye out for those changes!

OH, and I'll give you a hint on the new name: Visible mass of condenced water vapor

*If you figure it out, I may be forced to buy you a cupcake or something*

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Secrets We Keep

We walk right by them. We say hello, how are you, and graciously accept fine without any question. We smile, wave, and pass as if there's no other option. We thank the waiter for our drink and meal, with our painted face, acceptable tip, and "the meal was delicious" response.

It's what's polite.

It's what we're taught.

It's the only acceptable option.

But what if we didn't?

What if instead of fine, we said not that great.

What if instead of passing by, we said how are you really?

What if we were real?

It would be uncomfortable. For me. For them.

It would hurt.

It would take courage.

It would take one person.

It would bring relief.

So why don't we do this? Why don't we ignore social standards and disregard our taught fines, and trade them for real, genuine honesty.

Not the honesty that leaves no room for others or hope, but the kind that brings freedom. The kind that lets others in. The kind the allows relationships to blossom in a way you never ever imagine.

The kind of honesty that teaches others that it's okay to hurt, and be open. It's okay to be honest and say that our life isn't everything we thought it would be.

It's okay to hurt, and tell people just that.

But instead, many of us will go on accepting other's fine responses without offering the opportunity of them granting us more. We won't give them permission to let us in. We will go on sharing our smile as the only thing that ever crosses our face. We will go on with these secrets as they continue to rob us of our relationships, our joy, our life.

These are our secrets.

Monday, May 14, 2012

One Year!

It's been a whole year! It's hard to believe. Today it is pouring down rain, and as I was thinking back on our wedding day one year ago, I remembered, it poured all morning long then too! I mean cool, wet rain. I was so nervous because I wanted pictures outside so badly. God came through, and by the time I had my dress on, the sun was shining...

Here are some snap shots from our day!















Although I didn't marry in my later years, necessarily, I remember vividly, days when I wondered if I'd ever meet Mr. Right. A new year would ring in and I would wonder is this the year I'll meet him? Here I am, one year into marriage, comfortable as can be, and I can't believe my life was ever any different.

I just want to encourage you ladies out there that are still waiting on a husband. He is so faithful. I gave my future husband to the Lord years ago after getting my heart broken. I asked Him to keep all men from pursuing me until He was ready to bring the right man into my life. For five years not a single guy pursued me! There were so many nights I thought maybe He had over done His end of my request. But one day God brought a man into my life who was bound and determined to win my heart. And he did.

Hold out. He is faithful. Don't settle for anything less than the peace that comes when you're with the right one. It isn't easy to watch friend after friend walk down the aisle, and I get that. But be patient. It is well worth the wait.

Ruben, I'm so honored to be your wife. You really were handpicked just for me by our all-knowing God. I would have never imagined our first year of marriage to hold such heartache, but I'm so glad He gave me you as an anchor. You're not perfect, but you're perfect for me. Thank you for loving me so well even when I'm unlovable! You're more than I deserve.


I LOVE you!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Today

*Disclaimer: if you're not a NC resident, this could find you a bit confused, but the jest of it should make you feel right at home.*

I was literally, five minutes ago, going to write a serious post. One that would stir the heart, the emotions, and possibly spur on some back lash. Then. Well. Michael Buble started singing on my itunes, and honestly, I just didn't feel like it anymore....

Ahh...Michael...

Ever have one of those days? You're so completely fired up over something, and you know, good grief, you're right! But then something happens...

Someone laughs in middle of your rant.

Your husband blurts out I'm sorry! And suddenly you realize how stupid the whole thing was anyway.

Or in my case, a song comes on that reminds me to relax.

To quit worrying.

To just enjoy life. Today.

Right now.

Being right isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes being right, or thinking you're right, causes more unneeded stir than necessary.

Sometimes being right has to mean that others are wrong. It's a fact. For one to be right, another must be wrong. Unless, of course, the other agrees. :) Which, let's face it, often isn't the case.

So when your day is full of nothing but conflict because someone is right and someone is wrong, how do we overcome it? How do we get to that place where we acknowledge our differences and say, I love you anyway?

And furthermore, if we don't get to that place of acknowledging differences, how do we reconcile it in our own hearts; when there is so much dissension, and so much just plain misunderstandings all across the board?

I don't know.

But,today.

It's a new day. Today. I took my stand. Today. I'm forgiven. Today. I move on to the steady rhythm of Buble.

I believe we all are called to stand for what we each believe in, and in no way am I declaring passivity; and I will firmly stand on God's word for each thing I hold dear, even if it were an unpopular, non winning side stand. But when is it too much? When do we say 'enough is enough', and decide to turn on Buble instead of fighting over something that will have no true resolution this side of Heaven?

I hope I'm clear here. There are real issues that often need resolution, but in some situations, even when there's a real right/wrong answer........well, shouldn't we take our stand, and then just turn on Buble?

Why? Because life is precious. Too precious to have opinions and hate each other over them. Too precious to ruin the name of Jesus for the sake of being right. Too precious to give yourself an ulcer, for sure.

Too precious because once we speak the Truth of the gospel, living our lives by His grace is all we can do...our job is done.

So today, I drop the load of yesterday's worries at the feet of a Savior Who befriended one such as me, a filthy sinner...a sinner who will never do justice to the story He's trying to write in me. A sinner who will never give justice to His love in my own life. A sinner who will continually go overboard with her desire to be right...

So today, it's a Michael Buble, tea sipping kind of morning...

Monday, May 7, 2012

Month Three

Last week I wrote a quick post and started it by apologizing for not blogging as much lately. Someone made a sarcastic comment about my apologizing, and it made me realize I wasn't really apologizing to anyone other than myself. Not because I have some duty to blog and I wasn't fulfilling it, because that's silly, but because I was avoiding it due to the fact that the title would be the same. And I want nothing more than to be able to write about something other than the fact that my son died. Probably because I feel as though at this point, everything should feel okay and normal, and it doesn't.

I feel like after three months I should feel better, and although I do, I don't feel normal. I've read and heard so many people talk about finding a new normal, and there's a part of me that wants that, and a part of me that rebels against that because I want my normal. The normal that is about to welcome a new baby. The normal that knows nothing about grief and baby loss. The normal that thinks the worst thing about pregnancy is back pain and vomiting, not loss.

And in the midst of this, I fear that I'll never be okay with the fact that he's not here. And I want to be okay with it. I want to smile when I think about him, instead of feeling like I'll never not hurt at the mention of his name.

Over the last few months I've written little letters to Elias on scraps of paper. It's such a release to be able to write to him, even though I believe he already knows everything I would ever tell him. I can read some of those letters now and see how I've healed in some ways. Some of those early letters were just so raw. There was a desperation to tell him everything; a desperation for him. I could never explain to you just how dark those early days were. There was no break in between the bad days...they just flowed together.

I think early on I was so afraid of losing his memory or losing him altogether. Now I've realized that the tiniest thing will take me right back to that hospital room or ultrasound room, and I'll remember vividly who it was I lost. Elias.

A few days ago I ran into someone I hadn't seen in several months. Although she knew that I had been pregnant and lost Elias, I was shocked to see that she was very pregnant and that I hadn't known beforehand. There are few times when something hits me so hard that I can't wait until the car to burst into tears; and this was one of those times. A few minutes later, I learned that she is due just two days before Elias was due. The rest of the day I had to fight back tears. It was just as fresh as those few days after he'd died. It felt so unfair. I didn't understand 'why'. And I just wished for something that will never be...

I think it will be a long time before I'm at a place where I don't wish he was here. I don't know that I'll ever not wish for that. But I definitely am not fearful of losing him or forgetting him like I was at first. I know that there will always be tangible reminders of him.

Ruben and I have recently talked about how we don't want Elias to just be a memory. A bad first pregnancy experience. We want to be purposeful about making him part of our daily lives. We want any future children we have to know him as their sibling. I don't expect my children to mourn over Elias as we have, but I want them to know that a part of their family isn't here. I want Elias to be a part of them, and for them to feel that.

Even as I write these words, I'm so saddened to know that on this earth, we won't all be together. I won't ever know Elias as a little boy. There isn't anything or anyone that will make that okay while I'm on this earth.

And although I realize I go in circles with every post, it's because I do have hope. One day, in the blink of an eye, I will be with my boy. It will be made right. I can weep and mourn all the days of my life, but I can do it with hope because he is alive with my living Savior. This I know.





Tuesday, May 1, 2012

bye bye Civie, hello 5:30AM

I apologize, I have been totally missing for a while. I had quite a bit of time off last week, and although it was much needed, it threw me off a bit. Today is my first official day back, and can I just say it's miserable!

Anyone ever feel like that? You desperately need a vacation, and then you get one, go back to work and realize you need another one because of the vacation? yeah, not the best feeling.

A few days before I got off of work for a few days, we sold my car. It was such an answer to prayer, and something we'd been thinking about and trying to do for a few months. We just decided it wasn't necessary to have two cars since my husband works from home and my job is fairly flexible. So, we said "so long, civie."


We were a little concerned about dropping to one car because of the occassional need for two, but we were both pretty set that this was the right step for us.

Last week rolled around and we thought wow, we've got this. We can totally handle one car. Except that I wasn't really working, so why would we need a second car?

Today rolls around and we realize that Ruben has a meeting in town after I already have to be at work. This should be interesting, I thought.

So Ruben got up with me at 5:30AM to drive me to work so he could go to his meeting. Another change this week is that Ruben's schedule changed from working a modified 2nd shift, to working 1st shift (thank goodness.) We've been on completely different schedules since we've been married. There have been so many nights when I'm literally falling asleep at 8 o'clock, and he's just getting going. I cannot count how many times I've heard little snide comments about my lack of energy after 7PM. And don't even get him started about Friday nights. I'm done at that point in the week. I've tried to explain it to him, but like so many other things in life, we just have to experience it to understand it.

This morning as we pulled out of the drive way before 6:30AM, he said the most fabulous words I've ever heard "Okay, I get it. This is awful."

I rest my case.
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